The institution of marriage and our expectations of what makes it successful are always in flux. It wasn't long ago that marriage was anchored in pragmatic needs of maintaining a household. Fast forward a little, perhaps a century or so, and we are seeing first roots of a search for "romantic love" taking hold as the new aspiration. Finally looking back at the last few decades, the formula for success has become the "all in one package": romantic and spiritual partner, parent and confidant, sexual hero and more — all the while we spend less time with friends, and more time working and parenting. We keep raising the bar, but does that even make sense?
In the first half of the book, Eli Finkel provides the historical backdrop, helping us position our modern expectations against those of previous generations — a good reminder that there are no absolutes, and we should not jump to conclusions too fast. The second half of the book examines the hodgepodge modern expectations that we've placed on ourselves, and provides a data-driven perspective and tips on how to build a successful marriage. A few of the suggested "love hacks":
- Touch — physical expression of love goes a long way.
- Don’t jump to conclusions — change your attributional style to give the benefit of the doubt.
- Picture yourselves from the outside — if you were a bystander, how would you react?
- Gratitude — write down, share, and celebrate things your partner has done for the two of you.
- Learn to accept a compliment — healthy self-esteem nurtures healthy relationships.
- Celebrate their small victories — get excited about your partner's success.
In short, a great guide to help pause and self-reflect on how to succeed in our "everything and all at once" world.
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